Daliso's Joke of The Week

Relationship Deception

2011-12-12T18:18:00.001-08:00

There's a moment of total honesty I had when trying out these jokes where I realised I forgot the punchline I wanted to use. They laughed anyway.Relationship Deception by Daliso Chaponda

Racism in Sex Shops

2011-11-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was text messaged last minute to pop by the Comedy Store's New Material night and try out new material. At the time I had not written any new jokes so I scribbled a bunch of notions in the green room and one of my hastily scribbled notions was successful enough that it may end up in my set.

You might be a Totalitarian Dictator If...

2011-08-31T03:24:00.001-07:00

I was talking to someone yesterday about how Gaddafi probably never saw himself as a totalitarian dictator. He probably saw himself as a freedom fighter or man of the people. This is probably true for most dictators, so I decided to write this handy guide to help Heads of State.

You might be an Totalitarian dictator if...

1. If when you lose your keys you say ‘it’s the white man’s* fault’.

2. If you think ‘freedom of the press’ is the one day a month when journalists are let out of their cells.

3. If you think one of your statues makes you look fat

4. If your favourite game as a child was Secret Police and Dissidents

5. If the top item on your National Budget proposal is ‘a shiny palace for me’

6. If at birthday parties you refuse to pass the parcel.

7. If you thought George Orwell’s 1984 was a handy guide for good governance.

8. If you awarded yourself most of the medals pinned to your military uniform

9. If you have a bedroom, a kitchen and a dungeon

10. If one of your body doubles talks too much and you hope he’s on duty next time they try to assassinate you.

* (Or 'the Jews', 'the Muslims', 'The Indians'...etc)

Pension Cuts

2011-07-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

So, an audience member told me that I am very political today and I was taken aback. I would say that I am primarily a relationship comedian and when I do political material I rarely make a point. In fact, I look upon comedians whose sets are political speeches with a few jokes tacked on with suspicion (Hicks, I'm looking at you). But dear lord, this punter was right. I did bring up politics a lot. I blame the Tories. I never used to ramble this much about politics pre-Cameron. Though, I don't think I have any coherent message I am trying to get across. For example, this was my two cents about the pension strikes this week.

Pension Strikes by Daliso Chaponda

No more circus animals

2011-06-29T11:18:00.001-07:00

So after much deliberation the British MPs agreed that Circus animals would now be banned in the UK. These were my thoughts.

Circus animals by Daliso Chaponda

The Beatification of John Paul II

2011-05-08T02:17:00.000-07:00

Any time I hear a term I do not understand, a short story, a joke, or a script comed out of it. That's just how I work. I think I have to validate myself in the face of my ignorance. This week's word was 'beatified'. When I heard John Paul II was being beatified my initial mental image was of him being 'beautified' -- how physically attractive can one expect a corpse to be? A little research into the word 'beatification'led to some amusing revelations.

Beatification of the Pope by Daliso Chaponda

Zimbabwe Hifa Fest

2011-05-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

Some clips from my Zimbabwe performance of my one man show 'Laughrica'.

zimbabwefest by Daliso Chaponda

Easter

2011-04-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

I wrote a joke about Easter Eggs, and it wasn't funny. Then I did a joke in which a donkey has an argument with the Easter Bunny about which of them is more deserving of being associated with Easter (the donkey carried Jesus into Jerusalem after all) but I ended up being more amused by this argument than the audience were. As a result, the Easter Joke of the Week is actually some on stage improvisation followed by an old Crucifix joke I wrote a few years ago which is on my album Citizen of Nowhere.

Easter Thoughts by Daliso Chaponda

Toy Catalog

2011-04-18T14:58:00.001-07:00

This joke was recorded at the Manchester Comedy Store 'New Material Night'.

Toy Catalog by Daliso Chaponda

Nanotechnology

2011-04-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

This Joke of the week subject was suggested by Kai Humphries. I may need to rerecord it as Jongleurs Nottingham was particularly rowdy last Saturday. This is half of the routine about technology of the future I wrote. The second half worked so well that it's been promoted from Joke of the Week fodder to part of my next one-man show.

nanotechnology by Daliso Chaponda

April Fools

2011-04-03T00:37:00.000-07:00

And here's my April Fool's joke from the shows I did this weekend. The joke was performed at three shows this weekend with three different punchlines. The final punchline I'm posting was a suggestion from Ste Porter

April Fools by Daliso Chaponda

The Missing Weeks

2011-04-02T01:56:00.000-07:00

There are only 2 March Joke of the Weeks. March has 4 weeks. I know. I got caught up in trying to finish my novel and a sitcom pilot. Result: sitcom episode 1 and 2 finished; novel still in progress. So, here now are the missing Joke of the Weeks for March. 18th of March was red nose day so here is a clip from a show on Red Nose Day.

red nose day 1 by Daliso Chaponda

This second clip is from a show a few days after Red Nose Day

red nose day 2 by Daliso Chaponda

And here's a final clip of some thoughts I had about censorship and guilt.

Censorship and Guilt by Daliso Chaponda

Interfaith Relationships

2011-03-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Last week, there was no Joke of the Week as I was overseeing the release of my comedy double CD 'Citizen of Nowhere'. Disc 1 is a rerelease of material performed at the 2008 Melbourne festival. Disc 2 is a recording of my one man show 'Westerners Calm Down'. 'Citizen of Nowhere' is now available on Amazon and iTunes

This week's Joke of the Week is about Interfaith Relationships at the suggestion of Ben Sukez Sukali who wanted a joke about relationships and James Dawson who wanted a religious joke.

Paradise and Reincarnation

2011-03-06T10:17:00.000-08:00

This week's Joke of the Week subject was suggested by Fiona Weir who supplied me the link an article about China banning reincarnation. I recorded the joke at the Bath Komedia. Feel free to suggest possible topics for next week's 'Joke of the Week' as a comment below.

Welfare Reform

2011-02-27T04:52:00.000-08:00

This week's Joke of the Week Subject is Welfare Reform in the UK. The subject was suggested by Nigel Howells on Facebook. Special thanks to Chris McCausland for suggesting the 'hoops' line.

Feel free to suggest topics for next week's Joke of the Week as comments.

Budget Cuts, Immigrants and Bestiality

2011-02-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

Two jokes of the week this time. The first is the usual one for this week. (The jokes of the week can now be downloaded for £0.50 - DON'T WORRY, you can still listen for free.) This weeks clip is about the Tory budget cuts and their attempts to cut down immigration numbers.

I've also started doing jokes by request of the people who live in cities I am gigging in. Liverpool's Thomas Flaherty alerted me to a story in which a Liverpool Grandmother Was Caught Having Sex With A Dog. Now bestiality is not my usual subject matter, but one must do what the fans say.

The two articles I read about this incident seemed primarily concerned deciding whether this woman should be jailed or not. I simply wandered how this happened in the first place. Was she 'grooming' the dog for years? How did she seduce it? Did she splash out on gourmet doggy treats and chews? Was she tired of the lame human imitation of doggystyle and she wanted to try the real thing? Or maybe it was more innocent than that? Maybe the poor woman's eyesight was failing in her old age and she thought an article said 'Dogs are Nan's best friend'.

That's all I got. What can I say? You try writing tasteful humour about bestiality!

Valentines joke

2011-02-14T16:25:00.000-08:00

All right, this weeks joke of the week is a valentine's joke. Well, what else would it be? Enjoy.

Night on the town

2011-02-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

I'm trying something new with the blog this week. Instead of a written humorous response to a news article I'm instead posting an audio clip of a joke I did tonight about partying in Brighton last night. Let me know if you prefer audio clips, the news story format, or a bit of both.

>

Fire Burn and Cauldron Trouble

2011-01-25T05:57:00.000-08:00

The Romanian government has introduced a law whereby witches and astrologers will now have to pay taxes. In response angry witches used cat excrement and a dead dog to cast a curse on the government officials in charge of the change in Law.

I have always had a soft spot for witches, so here are my suggestions for

POSSIBLE WAYS THE WITCHES CAN COPE WITH THE NEW TAXES

1. Don't sacrifice animals, just beat them up, that way they can be reused, cutting costs.
2. Ask the spirits that allow them to fly on broomsticks if they would be interested in implementing an air miles program.
3. Ask J.K. Rowling for a donation.
4. Outsource curses to witches in Africa.

Malawi - Teen Pregnancy Champions

2011-01-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I opened the Daily Times of Malawi to discover the bizarre headline 'Malawi Teen Pregnancy Higher than Africa' I was thrown into total mathematical confusion. Malawi is in Africa, so how can it have a higher teen pregnancy than Africa? Had we defected from the continent when no-one was looking?

A read through the article made me realise that the headline should either have read, 'Malawi Teen Pregnancy Higher than African Average' or 'Malawi Teen Pregnancy highest in Africa.

Still, this made me worry. I moved to England and it was revealed the UK has the highest teen pregnancy in Europe. I visit Malawi and this comes out. Is it me? Do I have some effect on the fertility rates of teenagers? In my defence I tried to come up with a few other possible reasons for Malawi's skyrocketing teen pregnancy.
Are Malawian teenagers more beautiful (more slutty?) -- surely not. Then what? Are the waters of Lake Malawi one of the secret ingredients of Viagra? Do the all the powercuts and resultant use of candlelight create a more romantic atmosphere? Or are many of these pregnancies immaculate conceptions? In 30 years will Malawi be unleash thousands of potential messiah's?

Truth is I have no idea; do let me know if you have any insightful theaories. Until then I'll just accept that we're clearly not just the Warm Heart of Africa but the Hot Loins of Africa too.

Huckleberry Finn Version 2.0

2011-01-11T02:54:00.001-08:00

The word ‘nigger' appears over 200 times in Mark Twain's, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. This week it came out that an Alabama-based publisher, will release a revised edition this February with every mention of the word replaced with ‘slave'.

What a brilliant idea, with the benefit of hindsight we can indeed make great literature better. Here are a five proposals I have for improving other milestones of literature.

1. Retitle 'The Rape of Lucrece', 'The Enthusiastic Cuddling of Lucrece'

2. The racists who call Atticus Finch a 'nigger-lover' in 'To kill a Mockingbird' should instead call him an 'African-American Appreciator'

3. Make 'Lolita' 18 in Vladmir Nabokov's novel.

4. Also, raise Lenny's IQ by at least 20 points in 'Of Mice and Men'. Also the neck breaking scene is distasteful, he should simply sprain Curley's wife's neck.

5. Edit out the violence in 'War and Peace'. Wouldn't 'Peace and more Peace' be a better title.

COMEDIC YEAR IN REVIEW 2010

2011-01-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

Every year, while others make lists of resolutions, I make a list of subjects of humour I will no longer be able to rant and rave about as they are no longer topical. I shudder whenever I see comedians who still toss in George Bush and Tony Blair impressions. As a salute to the absurd subjects that I will no longer bring up in 2011 here is my salute to the stories of 2010 that helped me pay my bills.

JANUARY

Iris Robinson, the 60 year old wife of Northern Ireland First Minister Peter Robinson was revealed to have abused her position as an MP to provide financial assistance to her 19 yr old teenage lover. My initial response to this was not the righteous indignation exhibited by the mass media. I was simply impressed. A 60 year old with a teenage lover; the lady's got skills. Talk about being a MILF! Clearly Iris Robinson is a feminist icon comparable to Naomi Wolf or the most courageous suffragette. Having an affair with a lover a third of your age has historically been a male domain. Viva Iris! Many felt her financial assistance to her lover was reprehensible. Does no-one recall the poverty stricken existence one lived at the age of 19? If I had a 60 year old politician for a lover when I was 19, financial assistance would be the barest minimum I could expect. Anything less would be a severe lack of appreciation.

Also in January, a man was arrested for joking on Twitter that he would blow Doncaster's Robin Hood Airport if it didn't open soon. I was led to wonder if everyone who reTweeted his suggestion was called in for questioning. Arrested, for a Twitter post! That's like if I was arrested for something I said in a Blog post... Oh crap. Um... Look, when I said I condone older women having lovers a third their age I did not mean that I was looking into going on Seven Brides for Seven Brothers style raids of Nursing Homes. If any 93 year old ladies go missing it wasn't me. Honest. Police, if you're reading this, I like the older lady but I think forty something is my ceiling.

FEBRUARY

John Terry was stripped of England Captaincy over allegations of an extramarital affair with the model Vanessa Perroncel. I was tickled that of the six papers I read which reported the story they all felt it necessary to mention she was an 'underwear model' repeatedly as though that made it worse. As though a women who modelled parkas and scarves would be a far less salacious mistress.

Also in February, a book by political journalist Andrew Rawnsley came out in which he accused Gordon Brown of physically assaulting his staff. Gordon came out and denied the allegations. Seeing how the election turned out, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if he hadn't denied them. After all, a lot of voters always felt Gordon was boring and devoid of personality. What if he had redefined himself as a whirlwind of anger prone to fisticuffs. Instead of a debate he could have challenged Cameron and Clegg to a bout.

MARCH

In March the news was full of footage of thousands of Americans holding placards with the phrase 'Obama you betrayed us' and the like. I was horrified. What had the man done? How had he violated the sacred trust of Americans? Had he bombed Minnesota? Imagine my surprise when it turned out they were protesting his Healthcare reform bill. How can you protest health care? What are the chants? "What do we want?" "To pay!" "When do we want it?" "After we die!" A perverse side of me had innerly wished the protests got ugly and some of the protesters had got trampled then needed some healthcare. However, that was when I remembered the protesters were all people who could afford healthcare anyway.

APRIL

April was a tough month for Bigots. Gordon Brown was back in the news after he called Gillian Duffy, a 65 year old Labour Supporting grandmother who asked him on air about immigration, a 'bigoted woman'. You'd think a veteran of politics like he would have learnt never ever reveal your true opinions on air. His political opponent Nick Clegg of the Liberal Democrat party showed he had far greater political savvy by promising "to scrap unfair university tuition fees". You see - not revealing your true opinions on air is way more likely to get you elected.

The other bigot related news story of April was the death of White Supremacist Leader Eugene Terre Blanche in South Africa. I'm sure he's rolling in his grave because they buried him in a black coffin.

MAY

In May the BP Deepwater Horizon oil disaster was the talk of the world. Just weeks later China followed suit with an oil disaster on the shores of the Yellow Sea. The BP disaster cost 10 billion to clean up. The Chinese oil disaster cost 3 billion to clean up showing once again that the Chinese can do everything better, and for cheaper. Even oil disasters.

JUNE

In Bali, Indonesia, an 18 year old who was caught having sex with a cow was forced to marry it. It's lucky for him that he was not a Masai in Kenya. Masais pay a dowry for their wives which usually includes cows. Can you imagine the confusion? How many cows would you have to pay to marry a cow? Surely if it was one cow it would not be a true dowry; that would simply be trading a cow for a cow? So surely it would be two cows for one cow? But what if it was a pretty cow? Three cows? Four cows and a goat?

Also in June, Derrick Bird, a 52 year old taxi driver embarked on a suicidal killing spree in Cumbria. When I read this story I was shocked. Cumbria? Surely, I was reading a story about America! How could this be happening in England? What would happen next? A Chinese gun man on a killing spree? If this happened I am sure the Chinese gun man would kill twice as many people with a gun that cost half as much.

JULY

In July, Raoul Moat (who is not Chinese)went on a killing spree in Northumbria. The comedic highlight of this story was when ex-footballer Paul Gasgoine arrived with a can of lager and some chicken, hoping to calm Raoul down. Alas, he was not allowed to see Raoul Moat. Imagine he had been allowed to speak to Raoul? Imagine he had solved the problem? Would this have opened up the heretofore untapped potential of using ex-sportsmen to solve violent world issues with the aid of food and drink. Civil War in the Ivory Coast, send in Boris Becker with a Porter steak and a can of Pepsi. Crisis in the Middle-East, send in Frank Bruno with Pork chops and a mug of cocoa. Actually, considering it's the Middle East, forget the Pork chops.

Also in July, a drunken Mel Gibson was recorded on tape verbally abusing his girlfriend. At one point he suggested she might be raped by a 'pack of niggers'. A lot of people felt this was the end of his career. I disagree. Handled right a racist outburst can be turned into good entertainment. Imagine the potential if he banded together with Michael Richards whose 'You're a Nigger' comedy club rant in 2006 caused such a fuss. They could do a tour. Just imagine it "William Wallace and Kramer Yelling Racist Abuse at Punters." I'd buy tickets and I'm black. Also, because Michael Richards is Jewish, the show could end with Mel Gibson bludgeoning Michael Richards with a Lethal Weapon for murdering the saviour.

AUGUST

Hip Hop Star Wyclef Jean was barred on a technicality from standing for the presidency of his homeland of Haiti. I was disappointed. He should have won and the Fugees should have reunited to support him. He could have appointed Pras, the Ghetto Superstar, minister of Urban Development. Lauryn Hill could be his Minister of Miseducation.

SEPTEMBER

In September, George Michael was arrested for driving under the influence of Cannibis. I felt for the man. Am I the only person who feels that his scandals are getting less and less impressive? From public nudity and sexual scandal after sexual scandal to driving under the influence of Cannabis? What's next, will he be arrested next year for fiddling his taxes.

Also in September, Ed Miliband narrowly defeated his older brother David to win Labour's leadership. December at the Miliband Christmas party must have been awkward. I hope Ed let David cut the Turkey. Let the man have that at least.

OCTOBER

Anne Widdecombe dressed up as Dorothy on Strictly come dancing and ended up looking more like the Wicked Witch of the South West.

NOVEMBER

The Pope reversed the Catholic Church's long standing stance against condoms, admitting sometimes condoms are necessary to combat the spread of AIDS. As happy as this made me I felt immediately sorry for the poor Catholic father of seven struggling his way through the recession currently yelling at a picture of the Pope, "Now you tell me!!!"

DECEMBER

Psych! I am not revealing my december topical jokes yet as I can still milk them in comedy clubs for a few more months. However when my material about student protests and Wikileaks peters out I'll be sure to post a eulogy to them on this blog.

Some of you who have seen me live recently may have noticed the absence of topical jokes about the Malawi's insane incarceration of two homosexuals this year. That material is not mentioned here as it will form a significant section of my touring 1-man show in 2011, Laughrica (More info on that coming soon).

Happy New Year people.