Saturday, 21 December 2013

Daliso's News Review of 2013 - Part 1 - January (plus a video)

On January 2 2013, the Islamic Republic of Mauritania banned plastic bag use.  In a 2011 report the UN called plastic bags a ‘threat to ecosystems and human health'.  After all, who among us has not felt trepidation when walking home at night upon seeing a windblown plastic bag.   The Mauritanian Carrier Bag Consortium (MCBC) attempted to protest this drastic move but were ignored.  Several Mauritanian gangs have sprung up which specialize in importing plastic bags, often from Eastern European grocery stores. The bags brought into the country are heavily wrinkled. 

On January 3 2013, Gerard Depardieu renounced his French citizenship due to high taxes and became a Russian citizen.  Unfortunately his knowledge of Russian has proved so horrible he has had to rely on a Russian poet to ghost write his letters.  It is rumored that, on one instance, his ghost writer hid in the bushes while he was having a meeting and shouted out prompts.    

On January 4th 2013, The Church of England dropped its prohibition of gay clergymen becoming bishops, as long as they promise to be celibate.  Following this historic revelation, the partners of gay clergyman have started trying to sabotage their partner’s chances of becoming bishop.

On January 18th 2013, Lance Armstrong admitted on the Oprah Winfrey show to using performance enhancing drugs during all seven of his Tour De France wins.  He also admitted that it was his brother Louis, not him, who walked on the moon. The scandal escalated when it was revealed that the tears he shed on Oprah were not real either.  He had brought a bottle of saltwater in his pocket and applied them to his face when no one was looking. Additionally, an investigative reporter revealed that the ‘Oprah Winfrey’ in the televised interview was not the real Oprah; it was an impersonator named Celie Johnson. Following all these revelations, Lance Armstrong’s returned home a broken man. He comforted himself by rubbing his prosthetic hands against his wife's fake tits and making sweet love to her.  She faked fourteen orgasms.  

On January 25th 2013, Stephen King published a 25 page gun control essay.  The essay eloquently condemned the habitual use of guns in the US.  However, the paragraph on page 8 in which the guns begin to whisper ‘kill, kill, kill’ to their owners bewildered some readers.


Daliso Chaponda recently made it into the finals of the America Meet World comedy competition.  The finals require the votes of random strangers to be tallied.  Daliso asked his Zimbabwe connections to help him win but they have yet to respond.  He therefore needs YOUR HELP.  Watch this video where he explains exactly why he should win the competition, then go to the America Meet World Website and vote for him.

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